What is your idea of perfect happiness?
Slouched in the dark corner of a proper pub about three minutes after a spur-of-the-moment decision to have cheeky afternoon pints.
Which historical figure do you most identify with?
Ken Olsen, the guy who said no one would need a PC in their house and was laughed at.
Which living person do you most admire?
Which is the trait you most deplore in yourself?
Procrastinat...Hang on I’ll come back to you on that.
What is your greatest extravagance?
A Robert Roberts World Radio that I can listen to every radio station in the world on but never do.
What is your favourite journey?
The R-Something-Or-Other from Cork to my homeplace, Dripsey.
On what occasion do you lie?
When I’m fighting bears.
Which living person do you most despise?
I don’t despise any living person just in case I end up appearing on a crap panel-show with them. It would be awkward.
What or who is the greatest love of your life?
Who: My wife Marie. What: Our woodburning stove.
When and where were you happiest?
In about 10, 30 minutes time, when I’ve finished this questionnaire I’ve been procrastinating about.
Which talent would you most like to have?
A good hurler, without any of the training, the Matt Le Tissier of hurling.
What is your current state of mind?
Montana. Empty, miles away.
What do you consider your greatest achievement?
My Irish Mammies Book. It will change the world just like 50 Shades Of Grey did.
If you were to die and come back as a person or a thing, what do you think it would be?
Something with wings. But not those kind of wings.
What is your most treasured possession?
What do you regard as the lowest depth of misery?
A mouth ulcer and a suspicion that another one is on the way.
What is your favourite occupation?
The Vietnamese in Cambodia when they kicked out Pol Pot.
What is the quality you most like in a man?
What is the quality you most like in a woman?
Who are your favourite writers?
Peter Carey, AA Milne, Ian Rankin
What is your motto?
Carpe Carp. (Seize the carp ) It’s a motto to make the most of every day even if it’s wet and smelly days.
See Colm at Ireland’s Got Mammies in An Taibhdhearc at 3pm this Saturday as part of the Bulmer’s Galway Comedy Festival. Tickets are on sale through www.bulmersgalwaycomedyfestival.com and www.Roisindubh.net Kernan Andrews