What is your idea of perfect happiness?
A black, suede room - I’m just taking these off the top of my head.
Which historical figure do you most identify with?
William the Conquerer or is it Edward the Confessor?
Which living person do you most admire?
Elvis - he’s everywhere!
Which is the trait you most deplore in yourself?
Greed and stupidity - the prerequisite qualities of the congenital looser.
What is your greatest extravagance?
What is your favourite journey?
From here [Essex] to the sea.
On what occasion do you lie?
Whenever my lips move.
Which living person do you most despise?
What or who is the greatest love of your life?
My family and movies.
When and where were you happiest?
Back on the planet Krypton.
Which talent would you most like to have?
Invisibility, ventriloquism, and X-ray vision.
What is your current state of mind?
What do you consider your greatest achievement?
That I’m still alive.
If you were to die and come back as a person or a thing, what do you think it would be?
Probably a lesser form of life - hopefully one of the higher primates.
What is your most treasured possession?
A yo-yo with psychedelic vortex patterns on either side. You can hypnotise people with it. I’m very useful.
What do you regard as the lowest depth of misery?
Anything to do with aeroplanes.
What is your favourite occupation?
Speed boat designer.
What is the quality you most like in a man?
Dependability, loyalty - those John Wayne type qualities - capable of withstanding bouts of onerous responsibility while maintaining a cheerful disposition.
What is the quality you most like in a woman?
Faithfulness, pretty face, comely appearance, domestic skills, ability to throw you out in times of stress...
Who are your favourite writers?
Flann O’Brien, Charles Dickens, and Albert Goldman’s biographies.
What is your motto?
“What, me worry?” I stole it from Mad’s Alfred E Neuman. If I’m ever knighted I want it on my crest. I’ve even had in translated into Latin, just in case it happens: Ecce non preturbo.
John Cooper Clarke will perform in the Róisín Dubh on Sunday July 27 at 9pm. For tickets contact the Galway Arts Festival on 091-566577.