Many children will sadly, early in their lives, face the devastation and heartbreak caused by the death of a loved one. The “Growing Up in Ireland” study revealed that 2.2 per cent of nine-year-olds have lost a parent, one per cent, a sibling, and 28 per cent have experienced the death of a grandparent. Previous reports suggest that 30 per cent of adolescents have had at least one sudden loss in their lifetime.
The way children react to death and loss depends on a number of factors, such as their age and understanding of death, their bond with the person who died, the reactions of other family members, and their personality.
Some common responses include fear, sadness, anxiety, anger, a change in eating patterns, or tummy aches. Loss of confidence, withdrawal from friends, activities or school, nightmares, and fear of the dark may be other reactions. Some children revert to behaviour more commonly associated with a younger age, for example, being clingy, wetting the bed, or sucking their thumb after a death. Difficulty concentrating or overly good behaviour may be other grief responses.
Children may react in some or many of the above ways. Equally, they may not or they may struggle to know how to make their needs known or to articulate loss as they do not have the resources or experience to do so.
It can be difficult for parents to know how their children are feeling following the loss of a beloved family member or relation. Often deeply shocked and devastated themselves, they may not even be aware of how much a child is suffering. Consequently, children can sometimes be unintentionally left out of the grieving process and may be termed the “forgotten mourners”.
HopeSpace, a children’s grief support centre, which is based in Galway city, helps grieving children and young people struggling with the loss of someone they love. This free one-to-one in-person listening service is located at the SCCUL Enterprise Centre in Ballybane and caters for children aged four to 17 years who are negatively impacted by bereavement.
It was set up two years ago by a group of local people who believed there was a need for such a service in the community. The idea was first discussed by these friends during the Covid-19 pandemic in 2020. Some had personal experience of loss, for example, Cathleen Hartnett, the director of the charity’s board and its communications co-ordinator, lost her sister when she was a teenager. She now realises how helpful it would have been if she could have availed of a listening service like that provided by HopeSpace.
Grieving children
Others were aware from their work as teachers the toll that loss can take on pupils. The group was also conscious of the challenges parents face in seeking help for their grieving children. They give an example of a local teenager who struggled to cope following the death of his father, despite having good family support. He was eventually referred to CAMHS, the HSE’s Child and Adolescent Mental Health Service because his family could not find any other support for him. They say while the boy did not have mental health difficulties, he was struggling with grief and was becoming increasingly withdrawn, would not get up in the morning, had lost interest in sport which he once loved, and was not attending school. A social worker with CAMHS, told his mother about the Children’s Grief Centre in Limerick, the only service of its kind at that time, and there began his journey of healing.
Áine Deely, the co-ordinator of HopeSpace, says it fills a “huge” void in the community. “There was a gap there, grieving children did not fit in anywhere. Previously, I was the co-ordinator of the Family Resource Centre in Loughrea and it was really difficult to get any support for [grieving] children that was not mental health or counselling related.”
HopeSpace helps children and young people in a number of ways, she says. It provides a critical early intervention service, helping them express their emotions around grief. It also encourages communication between parents and children, helps reduce parental stress and worry, and enhances children’s coping skills and self-esteem.
Children grieve differently to adults, explains Ms Deely. While they feel the pain of loss deeply, they often experience grief in a more intermittent way, dipping in and out of sadness while adults tend to have prolonged periods of intense grief.
Children’s reactions to death may vary from becoming very quiet and reserved and not wanting to mention the deceased person’s name to acting up at school. Their grief may come in waves, too, and one minute, they may be really sad and the next, they may be playing with their friends, she says. Their age and developmental stage will also influence their grieving pattern. Younger children tend to have a different understanding of death and its permanence compared to older children. The needs of the different age groups tend to change over time as they mature, reach certain milestones in their lives, encounter new challenges, or mark special occasions such as birthdays, anniversaries, or Christmas.
The nature of the loved one’s death can also present particular challenges for children. A sudden and unexpected death can be profoundly distressing for them. The fact that this significant loss has come without warning may compound feelings of shock, disbelief, numbness, and heightened anxiety about their own and their families’ mortality.
Outside help
Kay O’Dwyer, a member of the Board of Trustees, says the majority of bereaved children will have solid support in their own families but sometimes, a little more, in terms of outside help, is needed to help them navigate the challenges that this new change in circumstances has brought about.
HopeSpace’s aim is to create a safe and supportive environment where children and young people feel comfortable expressing their emotions. “Our role is not about ‘fixing’ children,” says Ms Deely. “We provide a supportive space where children can be listened to. Children and young people often need their own space to talk about death, loss, and their feelings about loss. It may help if they can talk to someone who is experienced in listening. It allows them to express strong feelings such as sadness, anger, and anxiety, process their grief, and come to terms with their loss.”
These emotions can be expressed in a number of ways, appropriate to their development stage, such as creative play or talking.
“The first session could be spent doing Lego or drawing and it may up to the fourth session even before the child begins talking.” Whenever they do, the kind volunteer is there to help them verbalise and address their concerns and cope with the new reality they are facing.
The trained volunteer meets the child/young person for one-to-one sessions (each lasting about 45 minutes ). The child must be accompanied by a parent/guardian who waits in a separate room. On average, children attend six sessions during which the volunteer encourages them to talk about their grief. The child/young person’s emotions around their loss are acknowledged and validated which helps them to come to terms with their new reality. They are invited back for a follow-up session three to four months after their final one.
Parents/guardians are advised to allow three months to elapse following a bereavement before they contact the service. This is to give the child time to begin to come to terms with their loss and new circumstances. The charity recommends that children and adolescents who are bereaved by suicide should contact Pieta which provides free counselling.
Listening hours
Since HopeSpace, which has 15 listening volunteers on its books, was set up in March 2023, it has supported 70 children and their families and provided close to 500 listening hours. At the start, the number of teenagers accessing its service was small but that has changed with significant numbers coming forward now in the 13, 14, and 15 age groups. Most of the children come from Galway city and county but one child from Co Roscommon is currently attending the centre which is opened on a Wednesday from 10am to 8pm. It was recognised nationally twice last year for its work – it was awarded the top prize in the “Community Youth Initiative” category in the IPB Pride of Place competition and its volunteers won the Outstanding Small Group category at the Volunteer Ireland Awards.
Cathleen Hartnett describes its volunteers as the charity’s “beating heart” and says they are “exceptional”. She says it is important to mention that children can be grieving any loss, not solely that of a parent. “The death does not have to be a parent, it could be a grandparent, a sibling, or a twin who died before birth. Any loss that parents feel their children need help with.”
There are a number of telltale signs that a bereaved child may need support, according to HopeSpace. These include persistent sadness, rage and defiance, significant changes in attitude and behaviour, falling out with friends, irrational fear or nightmares, loneliness, anxiety, or isolation, or confusion about what happened.
Myles McHugh, the chairperson of HopeSpace’s Board of Trustees, who took over from Cathleen Hartnett in July, says in addition to its listening role, the charity also offers an outreach service. It provides webinars for teachers in conjunction with Galway Education Centre and also holds occasional public talks. The organisation is also the charity partner for Connacht Rugby this year.
“One of the things we’ve discussed is equipping clubs better, in terms of coaches, etc, being able to signpost children and young people to our resource.”
Mr McHugh, who has served on a school board of management in the past, says grief can adversely impact children’s schooling and social activities. “Schools do spot certain behaviours such as a child not performing well or dropping out of sport. Sometimes children say they feel different because they don’t have a dad, for example.”
• To contact HopeSpace telephone (091 ) 342566 or (087 ) 466750 or email support @hopespace.ie or log on to www.hopespace.ie • Trad on the Prom, the traditional Irish music, dance, and entertainment event has donated a number of tickets to HopeSpace for its Sunday August 24 show which takes place at Leisureland, Salthill at 8.30pm. The charity will sell these through its own channels and retain the proceeds. To purchase tickets on Eventbrite log on to https://tinyurl.com/bdzfs3r5
• HopeSpace is setting up a Friends of HopeSpace organisation and is seeking volunteers who could help organise talks, carry out administration tasks, and fundraise. Contact any of the above numbers for further information.
