Your call is important to us, yeah right..

Hello, You have reached the offices of Irish Water, Uisce Paddy. You call is important to us so it may be recorded for training porpoises. Please also note that at any stage your call may be terminated or transferred to the talking clock in Australia, so Uisce Paddy must approve in principle the tenure of your call.

If you are calling about the typographical error on your bill which said you will be required to pay Anal Charges rather than Annual Charges, do not worry, as it’s the same thing. You’ll be paying through the arse for them for the rest of your life anyway.

Please wait to be directed to your options:

(Cue the queue music ) - Raindrops keep falling on my head/Waterloo

Music ends - Cailin Deas comes on the phone (Imagine Kathleen Watkins in a catsuit ) A dhaoine uaisle, ta alain athas orm inniu. Can I just say what a great job we are all doing. Buala bos, buala bos. Humbling it is, the work we’re doing, bloody humbling. Anyway, where was I?

Ok, here are the options from the Uisce Paddy jury. Ha, I always wanted to say that. Amn’t I a divil altogether. Cat melodeon. Right where was I?

Press one if you want to hear — “The Same Auld Shite”

Press two if you want to — “Be Fobbed Off”

Press three if you think there is a cat in hell’s chance that we care that your neigbour’s meter is attached to your pipe or that any of your pipes are connected to your neighbour or your neighbours’ wives for that matter. Thou shalt not covet your neighbour’s plumbing.

Press four if you want to go straight to Liveline or any other radio stations. But if you do, remember that normal people don’t ring radio stations or write letters to newspapers - and above all, we know where you live, we have your PPS number and we know that you watched that naughty channel in your hotel room when you went on that business trip last year. Still want to ring Liveline, chubby cheeks?

Press five if you want to talk to John T — What, you really want to tlak to John T. Everyone wants to talk to John T. Hell, there are contractors in Eyre Square still digging pipes who want to talk to John T. We can put you through but...., he’s gone for the day. And tomorrow.

Press six if your call is about Bonus Payments. However, don't panic if your call isn't answered cos Mary and Johnny on the switch have gone to the toilet, under their Time in Lieu allowances, not including their 19 per cent bonus for turning up to work and answering the phone. It’s the Lone Star State of Mind motto in here in the call centre “ Phone call took me by surprise...”

Press seven if you’re not going to pay your bill. If you don’t, do you really want your PPS number and credit card details to be send to Prince Goodwill Freedom, c/o The Trusted Bank of Lagos in Western Nigeria. Prince Freedom is trying to transfer €400million to Ireland and he might cut you in.

And finally press eight if you want to hear about our callout charges — €5 for the phone answering charge. €17 to walk to the van. €6 to go back to shed cos they forgot toolbox; €23 to turn the van key and make it operational in a mobile fashion

€15 STH charge (basically the workmen Scratching Their Holes and staring at the ground saying, ‘Jaysus, Mick I don't know do you. Hah?’ ). The above is not inclusive of €182 to cover the 19 per cent bonus for the lads on the board and to commission the artist to cast the brass neck that we’re getting as the company logo.

Thank you very much for calling Uisce Paddy — If you feel you have been affected by any of the scenarios above and you feel you have been taken for a mug, well, maybe that’s because you have. Right, we’re off. It’s nearly five...

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