Smoke-filled room, Leinster House. Wednesday evening. Around teatime— Testing wan, two three. Let the meeting of the Cabinet begin. Say the prayer, Tanaiste.
In anam an hAtharmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm. Right, first up, the teeshock is back from London, so he is, with his report, so ciunas, mas e do thoile?
Excited voices — How was London, Teeshock? Were they over the moon after beating Slobervenia like, the Brits?
BC — “Well they were, but I had to pretend not to be too excited. I mean I’d been in Downing Street many more times than Cameron, so I knew me way around, so I knew where the remote control was kept. When they won the match, I told them that I wasn’t into the foreign games like, that I was more of a gaelic man. And they sniggered at each other and said “they’d heard that alright.. They knew their stuff, ha. They’re grand, but Cameron had a fierce shiny face and that Tory hair. Must be using that moistenuriser stuff.
“But they gave us a good spread. None of them shaggn cucumber sandwiches things that Blair gave us the first time. You could tell the the Tories hadn’t been in for a while cos they had a plate of turnips there for us, mashed like, so we tucked in. With two massive glasses of milk.
Hushed silence falls across the room. The sound of a violent beating comes from down the hallway.
BC — “Ssssh, what’s that lads?”
All — Oh never mind that Teeshock. That’s just Kenny, Big Phil and the Hairy Doc bating nine shades o’ shite out of some fella in the interests of unifying the party, like. Carry on, Teeshock.
BC —“Right, so. The last time we spoke, we outlined the need for a series of major diversionary tactics to roll us all the way into 2012, so that when times get good we can be saying like that we’re the boys, (and girls Marys, sorry I didn’t see ye’s there behind O Cuiv, the boys who got us out of the recession and back to work. Well when I was over in London, I pulled a major stroke. You’d love it young Dev, you being a great fan of the Commonwealth like. I pulled the Quane.”
All — “The Queen.”
BC —“The Quane yeah. I got the Quane. Now, it’ll be a few months before we can do anything, but I can assure you that we’ll have a Quane in the Aras next year. And I don’t mean Norris.
Chuckles around the room.
Excited minister — How did ya get her, Teeshock. I mean, first time ya met Cameron and all and he gave ya the Queen. Is he soft in the head like?
BC — “No I didnt get her through Cameron. Never mentioned her to him at all. Sure he’s only met her the once. Sure she has corgis older than that fella. I cut out the middleman lads and went to Fergie, Andrew’s wan.
“I met her in Mayfair, and I had a wad of cash from Anglo bailout. 22 billion. I mean Anglo aren’t going to miss a few hundred thou when it comes to 22 biillion. I mean they went to the same maths class as the Nepotism Nine lads who turned on Kenny. Gilmore had squeezed it outa me that the 22 billion was flushed down the jacks anyway, so, no wan would miss it.
Met Fergie, she told me that for a wad of them notes there like, she could get me the Quane. Straight up. No messing about offering minor royals lilke them half German Prince Michaels and those. No, she gave me the top dog and I gave her a wad.”
Excited minister— But how will this help us Teeshock?
BC — Now, we all know there’s nothing more the Quane likes but the smell of fresh paint. So, in December’s budget after we introduce the house tax whammy, Lenihan here is going to announce the Colourshield Compromise, where every householder who pays the tax gets two hundred yoyos of a voucher back to use against paint. We’ll paint the country red again lads, sorry Marys, so we will. The whole country will be back to work painting, it’ll smell lovely. The Greens can offer a special green paint incentive. Ryan can do that and the developers from the tent in the meantime can go around buying up paintshops. It’s a win win. Now lads, if ye don’t mind, one must have a slash.”