Exs and Ohs — all aboard, all aboard, the gravy train is pulling out

(Ring ring. Foreign ringtone ) Hallo, hallo, is that Sweat-lanna. Svetlana, sorry. Hello it’s your friend here from the wesht of Ireland. Ireland. Yes, Ireland. The councillor. Yes. Big Paddy. Remember me. Remember when I was over in Belgrade in the summer for that conference on human trafficking and greenhouses gases and all that shite. Remember, ya gave me the receipt for the translation services.

What? That’s right. For your ‘linguistic services’ is how ya put it. You’re gas. That’s me. How ya keeping? Is business up? True. True. Same for us all. Sure, it’s a matter of keeping the head down and getting on with it, isn’t it.

Lishen, Sweatlanna, the reason I’m ringing ya is that I might be asking ya to keep your mouth shut for a while. What’s that, you’re saying, that I never said that to ya before. Now, less o’ that auld craic outa ya and lishen up.

Ya see, those meejia types they got their pound of flesh. They took out the Bull this week. The big man. Got him on the exs, ya see. Now, to be honest, loveen, he did the dog on it, tore the arse out of it altogether. Planes, trains and automobiles will be the name of his book when it comes out. He was everywhere. He had so many airmiles, the airline gave him a plane. It’s the Kerry arrogance, ya see. Thought he was untouchable. Not like us Sweatlanna, no, ya can touch us all ya like. Ha ha

The party is in shock, Sweatlanna, so it is. In shock. We tried to save him at the last minute. The Mayoman bottled it, so he did, nawthing new there, now, but Gilmore took him out. Looked him in the eye and did him. T’was very impressive. Told him he was doing him as well. Cool and calculating. I never thought he had it in him. But anyway, where was I?

So we’re all panicking. It’s overturned the apple tart as Bertie would have said. They’re saying that we’ll need receipts soon for everything. Everything. Yeah, even, ya know, yeah, that.

So what I’m saying to ya, is that the county and city manager has to send all the expense claims to the Green Minister tomorrow, so all the figures will come out for the Sheep Dipping Committee, but they’ll be sniffin’ around so in case any wan rings ya from the papers here in Ireland or anything about your ahem, linguistic services, you’ll have to be very cunning. Say nawthing. And tell them nawthing either.

Now, I probably won’t be over again for a while, not til this dies down a bit anyway, and sure if the Greens get their policies through, there’ll be loads of auld sustainable wind conferences and water turbine rubbish across Europe where ye’re into that kinda stuff. So keep us on the Premium membership.

Lishen, say hello to The Colombian, Vladimir the Dominatrix and the lads in the limo company for me. I can’t stay on long. I’m ringing from the free phone here in the Council and there’s a queue of the lads behind me who want to talk to ya as well so that we all get the story straight. So, stay shtum now for a few weeks while the heat is on and we’ll be back out to ya in the spring. G’luck, g’luck.

How ye lads, right Mattie, she’s hanging on the line. Just wan thing. For the Efficiency in Government Conference in Waterford, who are you saying was driving, you or me? Did you get the headed paper from the hotel at their stall at the Discover Ireland expo? Here, give me a few of them wans. What about them twinning trips to Britney? How do ya spell Shattoo Nuff Da Pap? Think that’s the name of the place we stayed.



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