Let there be no laughing this Christmas

Right, testing’ wan, two, three. Am I on, Michael? Right colleagues of the Cabinet. I want to welcome ye all here today for the final briefing on how ye are going to sell to the great unwashed the idea that Christmas is an overrated festival anyway and that there’s no harm in being miserable at Christmas. Emphasise that didn’t they have a great time in June at the Volvo Ocean Race, so there’s no point getting all mealy mouthed about a few cold auld days in the depths of winter.

We’ve had a tinktank about the whole thing and we feel that if we lower expectations to zero levels then we’ll get away with giving everyone a fairly shitty Christmas. In fact Shitty Shitty Bang Bang could sum up the budget we’re planning for everyone on the ninth. So, lads and the few lassies among ye, now is the time ye earn your expenses and your place in the photo with the Taoiseach when he comes to town. It’s time to spin the Budget.

First of all, ye’ve to tell them that they’ll all be expected to come to the local clinic in the next week to pick up special three-D spectacles. When you wear these, all life around you will be viewed in purely black and white. The Government Task Force Sub Committee on Misery has decided that viewing life in monochrome makes one more sentimental for the old days, less needy and more appreciative of life in general.

To help in this regard, we’re going to ration the power, and shut down all but one television channel this Christmas so the whole family will have to stay together in the wan room. It’ll keep them warm anyway and save on briquettes, and RTE are going to broadcast Christmas heartwarmers like the Billy Smart circus, festive specials of The Riordans and highlights of Hall’s Pictorial Weekly.

Now the whole point of this briefing is to make sure that we get past this Budget with our arses intact and no stone has been left unturned by the party to make sure we do.

The Knock apparition stunt didn’t work for us lads. Now we put a lot of effort into this in a bid to convince people that a Second Coming would totally overshadow Christmas and take the emphasis off the Budget. But the whole thing was taken over by the “C’merewantchas” from Limerick and they defecated the altar with crisp bags and the likes so we won’t be pullin’ that stunt again, let me tell ya.

We tried to blame Pat Kenny for the whole thing, but that didn’t work either, but if people are giving out, tell them isn’t it worse that Pat Kenny is earning all that money when the rest of us are poor.

The kids allowance, if ye’re talking to middle-classers, right I want ye to push the idea that single young wans were spending the Mickey Money on fags and drink and on credit for textin’ the X Factor, and if ye’re talking to the poor crowd, ye can say that the rich wans were spending the allowance on a bottle of wine or a skiiing holiday in Andorra or somewhere forren like that. Divide and conker lads, divide and conker.

The Christmas bonus. Spin it that this was a waste of money anyway. The pensioners were only wasting it on socks, slippers, and lottery tickets for their grandchildren while the rest of them were spending it on Playboystation Box X or whatever gadget the kids are after. Don’t worry if it drives them into the hands of moneylenders, sure wouldn’t it be worse if they were going to the banks.

Now get out there and let we not be hearing ye giving out on the local radio or anything like that. Do yer patriotic duty and help us cancel Christmas. Good on ye, good on ye.

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