Brace yerself for the crazy taxes

Brace yerselves. Tie down everything because when next month comes and April Fool’s Day flies through faster than a flasher in a turnstile, we are set to be royally shafted by the Government in a whole series of crazy new taxes designed to make sure that we keep filling the giant hole in our finances with a watering can.

I have managed to get my grubby mitts on a copy of the discussion document that the Government has commissioned from overpaid bankers Delight and Touch in order to draw up these new penalties.

Here are some of the proposals they have in mind. The fact that some of them are aimed at prolonging their cushy jobs is merely coincidental and reflects more a cynicism on your part than any intention to defraud on theirs.

Tax on loo-las — In a bid to improve national morale, the Government hope to clampdown on disaffected groups such as the Galway Alliance Against Everything, anything with Palestine or Shannon in its name, anyone protesting against gas, anyone speaking with a disaffected English or American accent. Membership of these groups will be taxed. Heavily. Or they can feck off home. A Disaffected tax will also be placed on purchases of hummus and comfortable shoes. And when that’s done, the TDs will be able to walk down Shop St on a Saturday without being attacked by a crazy.

Nookie tax — With nothing due on the telly and people not going out, Delight and Touch reckon that more people will be, ya know, staying home and be making the beast with two backs, so there is great scope here to introduce a stiff new regime.This will replace the old Point of Entry tax that was used on by Customs and Excise in the seventies and eighties. Policing of this will be difficult, but a form can be filled in online where you can buy nookie credits. For details see www.letsdoitgalway.com This tax however, will at last prove some relief for married couples.

Tax on moaning and whining — Will the Government ever leave the poor taxi drivers alone? From now on, taxidrivers will be forced to pay an Opinion Tax, which when paid will allow them to spout forth on a variety of topics.

Tax on voting — The tax on voting comes into operation in mid-May and is aimed at ensuring that people who vote for the honour of electing the 1,000 public reps we have in this country will pay for the privilege. However, an exemption from this tax will be made to people who have traditionally voted and in a form of air miles or loyalty payment to regular voters, members of cumanns will be exempt from the tax, especially Fianna Fail cumann.

Media tax — Bloody media. I hate the bloody media. Bloody bloody media. Talking things down. Why can’t they publish good news stories? How often have we heard that from people, yet if its good news they want, we don’t see them rushing to buy The Irish Catholic or the Messenger magazine. However to teach the bloody media a lesson, the Government is to impose a tax on all negative stories in the media. So next week our lead story is “Mary’s buns the highlight of weekend fete.” Other terms which cannot be used under the new regime are “Biffo, fat, useless, incompetent, inexperienced, pig’s ear, endakennytaoiseach or “I’ve been very impressed by Eamon Gilmore.”

Undoubtedly there’ll be many more, so don’t be surprised come April. You have been warned.

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