Look into my eyes — I see a strange year ahead

Time to peer into that crystal ball again. No, not the one in the Treasure Chest window. Here’s a taste of what we can expect in the year ahead.

January

Strong winds and rain lash the west again, knocking over dozens of Government inspectors en route to Inishbofin and Connemara to assess the damage caused by last year's storms.....Roy Keane launches his latest book People Who’ve Pissed Me Off Since October, ghost written by Cecilia Ahern....Estonia demands the return of the Wilde statue from Williamsgate Street, well, the Eduard Vilde half anyway on the basis that nobody knows him. City Council agree and take Padraic O Conaire out of storage and pust him on the other end of the bench. “Conás atá tú?” says Padraic. “How are yoooooooo doing,” says Oscar to the man with the little black ass.

February

Irish Water announce five concerts by Garth Brooks in a bid to get everyone out of the Midlands so that they can use the day to install water meters when people are out....Brian O'Driscoll announces that he is to play his last game again and retire again at some stage ‘cos he is bored at home and anyways, he hasn’t retired for months...... Mary Lou Mc Donald uses Dail privilege to give away the twists in The Sixth Sense, The Crying Game, and the plotlines for Coronation Street for weeks ahead...

March

Panti Bliss is named Grand Marshall of the New York St Patrick's Day Parade much to the chagrin of the Ancient Old Order of the Hibernian Fuddy Duddies Who Don't Like Gay Stuff...Galway United kick off life back in the Premier Division with Mario Balotelli brought on board by the Comer brothers...Santa Bears give evidence to the Public Accounts Committee over their unfair dismissal from Rehab...Gort wins the All-Ireland club titles sparking off riotous celebrations in Rio de Janeiro...

April

First day of the month, Enda Kenny goes on TV to say "I'm goin to the country." Then he tells everyone, it's just to his holiday home in Achill for the weekend and reminds us that it's April Fools Day....Pope Francis announces that it’s ok to eat Easter Eggs in Holy Week after all and that you don’t have to wait until Sunday...Cuirt Festival of Literature hits the headlines when a reading of Fifty Shades of Grey by Jamie Dornan is over subscribed. Not a dry seat in the house....

May

All the power and broadband goes out in Spiddal after a surprise outage during an episode of Ros na Run in which there is a reference to North Korean leader Kim Jong Un. However, supplies are restored when it is explained that the character was saying "some young wan" and not Kim Jon Un....John Delaney is selected to sing for Ireland in the Eurovision with a rousing version of Mary Coughlan's Delaney’s Gone Back On The Wine. He wins and then serenades the Irish Eurovision fans in local hostelries. Success is put down to his massive fan base in far flung places like Skopje and Tallinn. He celebrates by buying the four million who voted for him a pint each.

June

Michael D visits Galway, for the craic. Uproar in East Galway when the county’s first crematorium is made available for weddings and barbecues....Roy Keane releases his latest book People Who’ve Pissed Me Off This Year (Part One ), ghost written by Brian O’Driscoll....Galway footballers kick off their championship campaign in New York and are surprisingly beaten by a combination of Cubans and lads from Mayo. Kevin Walsh drops the entire squad and replaces them with the Killannin team for the back door matches which they win with aplomb.

July

Galway Arts Festival, International Arts festival, I mean, gets rave reviews for its top production called Box. Written by Enda Walsh, it features Cillian Murphy sitting, speechless, in a wait for it, box. For three hours. Such depth, such meaning, such a nice box.....It is sponsored by FedEx.....The new crimiminalisation of sex-purchasers laws sees Gardai arrest 2,900 men half out of ill-fitting confirmation suits during Race Week.....The Interview kicks off the Galway Film Fleadh and wins an award for the worst film ever seen by so many. The Galway hurlers get lathered by Dublin. A committee is established to run Sliotar18, the year of events to mark Galway’s 30 years since winning the McCarthy.

August

Boston Mayor Marteeeeeeeewolllllllsh visits Galway again, just to meet the four people whose hands he didn’t get to shake last year and to turn the sod on Pat McDonagh’s news Supermac’s MarteeeeePlaza at Inverin. Chewing a SuperMart burger, he says tearfully “I’ve lived the American dream” — although most guys’ American dream involves Pamela Anderson, a Chevy, and a slot machine at Vegas.

September

City Council give the go ahead for the use of Blackrock diving tower for naturists for early morning nudie diving. The Ohmegoolies Nudie Diving Club are tickled pink...and black. And blue. And purple.....Just so you get a good start on the shopping, the Christmas market opens in the Square on September 15....Turloughmore win the hurling championship having checked that no member of their squad had even ventured outside the county for the last six twelve months. Even for shopping, like.

October

Love/Hate returns to the screens and former Garda Commissioner Martin Callinan stars in it playing a....ahem, Garda Commissioner....Turns out Nidge isn’t dead after all. He walks out of a shower. With Fran... and Bobby Ewing.....Galway moves ahead in the Capital of Culture race as the application from the other cities goes “missing in the post" and is later found in bin near Spanish Arch. Fair play to the local artist whose brother works in An Post.....Controversy as the Galway Comedy Carnival is deemed 'not funny enough" and humour inspectors from HIQA are called in to find out why. Seemingly the mikes were fading just as punchlines were being delivered....

November

Coca Cola Zero are so thrilled at the success of the Bike Rental Scheme, they announce details of the Shoe Rental Scheme where you can hire top label shoes by the hour so as to avoid twisting your heels on the cobblestones. Leave your manky runners at the rank and rent from a selection of Jimmy Choos and Manolo Blahniks....and for the girls...

December

The release of the 30-year-State Papers reveal some shocking horrid secrets about the 1916 leaders putting the entire 2016 commemorations into crisis....Or on hold for a year anyway.....Katie Taylor wins the InterGalactic Boxing Championship representing Earth beating some wan from Mars. God asks her to stop thanking him. “Once was enough.”.....Strong winds lash the west coast again and knock over the inspectors on their way back from ‘Bofin after checking the 2014 storms.....plus ça change, plus c'est la même chose

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