From the people who brought you wife swapping sodomites...

Just eight days more til we do our democratic duty and put Lisbon to bed but already, things are hotting up.

Expect the hyperbole to get even more extreme in the coming days. Not alone will we have more scuffles at the back of the Franciscan church, but expect to be assailed in all places by people of both persuasions, throwing their scaremongering at you. They do this because it is a tactic that works, and assumes that there is an inherent fear of things to do with race, sex, food, our rights, our neutrality, and what’s on the telly. Stuff like that, ya know.

But just like how the devil gets all the good music, how come the extremists on both sides in this argument get to keep all the best lines. Now, being neither hairy nor West Brit enough to be on one side, or selfless enough to be party affiliated enough to be on the other, I think it is my right as the spokesman for the Third Way, to hit you with the TRUTH about the Liosban Treaty, as it’s known out Riverside way.

If you vote Yes, you WILL be allowed to marry your sister/brother in some parts of the country (and not just those currently availing of special amenity grants ).

If you vote No, you will be preventing brothels being opened in the Garda stations which are proposed to be shut by the McCarthy report. A No vote will also make it more likely that these brothels will not be staffed by decent cailins but foreigners charging ya the earth.

If you vote No, then 100 per cent of all non-nationals in this country will be from overseas. All of them. And they’ll speak funny and won’t look ya in the eye. And they won’t know where 244A Buailla na Beaga is at 2.30am when you’re busy in the back of the taxi groping some young wan with salt and vinegar-flavoured hands.

If you vote No, then juvenile GAA in this country will be banned and u-12 children will be taken off to fight child soldiers in Liberia. If you vote Yes, the Government will wait til they are minors before deporting them.

If you vote No, then Stephen Ireland will never play for Ireland again in an “Ireland Says No” double victory.

If you vote Yes, then all bananas will be straight. No more gay bananas in this country, then.

If you vote No, you will be legalising the right of the Army to shoot immigrants at the airports. Dead.

If you vote Yes, farmers will not be allowed to drive tractors while pissed or to eat sandwiches in the street. Or talk.

If you vote No, the Army will also be allowed to shoot farmers at big gatherings like the ploughing championships.

If you vote Yes, your children WILL grow up Turkish. Yes, and they’ll be fat. And cheeky. And will torture the rabbit.

A Yes vote means that we will be allowed to eat cat in this country, devastating the poultry industry. What’s chicken like? It tastes just like cat. Watch out dogs, you’re next.

A No vote will open the floodgates for Youth In Asia. A Yes vote will see the Angelus replaced with TellyBingo.

The Lisbon Treaty is a bit like broccoli. We’ve been told it’s good for us but not many of ever really want to find out exactly why. This time next week, it will be almost time to decide which way to swing. Far be it from me to tell you which way to go, but armed with the FACTS I’ve given you, you are well informed. Vote early and often.

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