It’s been some year for one year — but what about 2017? This week I take a look into my crystal ball and see what’s lying in wait for us.
JANUARY — Celebrities across the globe celebrate on New Year’s Day with “I survived 2016” teeshirts. The Trump inauguration sees the new president sworn in by a trio of Playboy bunnies who he tweets “as better lookers than Supreme Court judges who are losers in the attraction-ness department. Bigly.” Meanwhile in Dublin, President Higgins reveals an addiction to the smell of commemorative wreaths and vows to stay on in office forever… Connacht announce Brian O’Driscoll as their new coach. “This is roysh, like, ya know great, for me, personally, like,” says the new boss. Meanwhile in Mayo, a full month goes by without a crisis in the camp story.
FEBRUARY — Galway City and County Council who own more airports than the DAA announce that the Airspace Formerly Known As Galway Airport will be used as a landing spot for drones bringing cheap internet shopping parcels in and out of the west. Minister for Good News On The Jobs Front, Mary Mitchell Katherine Geraldine O’Connor visits the city to announce the two new jobs being created by the project. “This is a wonderful testimony to the attractiveness of Galway for major international companies,” she blath.., I mean, she says…Trump tweets that he doesn’t like the way he looks on Sony TVs. “What do ya expect from the people who brought ya Pearl Harbour. Losers,” he writes.
MARCH — The arrival of spring sees lush green grass grow across the meadows of Eyre Square after the Christmas market stayed off the lawns. City Manager Brendan McGrath sells the grazing rights to Teagasc who put hundreds of sheep on the square…Visiting rugby fans are delighted… On St Patty’s Day, Trump tweets that “those tax dodging potato-eating losers in Ireland have given me a bowl of grass as a gift. WTF”… Apple get the go-ahead for the Athenry data centre. Lights dim all over East Galway…Teresa May admits to the world that “hands up, honest, we have no clue what to do about Brexit. Scout’s honour, folks, but we had no plan.” She tells the EU that she was hoping that everyone would forget about it... Corofin win the All-Ireland club title and an hour later, the manager announces he’s joining Mayo.
APRIL — Hummus sales soar as the Cuirt line-up is announced...opening will be the launch of the world’s smallest book Roscommon Men I Have Met While Yachting…Galway Arts Festival announce that Imelda May will play the Big Top at the Arts Festival for the first time in….months…Controversy at the Galway Food Festival when a masterclass is held on how to roast an albatross… The Galway Wind Farm with its zillions of turbines is tested and two acres of Roscahill takes to the air and lands in Lough Corrib, giving the lake its 366th or 367th islands. Anglers are up in arms.
MAY — Druid announce that their new season will feature a collaboration with Paul Williams Scumbags of the Western World featuring lines like Marie Mullen saying “There’s a fierce wind blowing in from Dun Aengus. The praties are ruined and we’ll be half starved in our beds this long cold winter ahead, unless we tear in the turf with our bare hands. Sure where would we be getting time to have drive-by shooting when there’s nare a car on the island.”
JUNE — More new jobs announced for Galway. Minister Mary Mitchel Katherine Geraldine O’Connor visits the city again to announce the jobs being created by the project. “This company Arstent are world leaders in making this product,” she says. “The Arstent is to be used in eyerectomy operations — a procedure which severs the cord between the eye and the arse and enables patients to have a less shitty outlook on life… City turns out in force to wave goodbye to Pat Lam. Instead of the Norwegian clap which was used to wave farewell to the Galway2020 judges, this time, the crowds lining the streets remain quiet for the Silence For The Lams ceremony.
JULY — A horse owned by a syndicate of local window repair men called Grab Them By The Putty wins the Galway Plate… Galway Arts Festival turns 40 — the new Enda Walsh play, of which we have no details yet, is going to ‘be fabulous dahlin, so full of meaning and stuff, with some well-known actors running around and acting the eejit for the Dublin luvvies…President Trump’s visit to Doonbeg coincides with the Galway Races…when Melania doesn’t win Best Dressed title he tweets “think they know stile in Galloway? Did you see the one who won it? Mrs Doubtfire. 4/10. Wouldn’t touch her with Mitt Romney’s” …Mayo and Galway meet in the Connacht semi-final at Pearse Stadium. After two draws and extra time and a toin coss where the coin landed sideways in the muck, the two teams are named as Connacht finalists on the basis that ‘sure ’tis only Roscommon who’d be complaining.”
AUGUST — Minister for Flooding and Mucky Fields Sean Canney hands over the Ministership to Kevin Boxer Moran in an appropriately symbolic ceremony over the Shannon on the bridge at Athlone. Canney gets out one side of the Merc and Boxer gets in the other side… they compare pension details the way people exchange insurance details after a crash. And drive on…Enda Kenny announces that he will “shtepp down” when Mayo win the All-Ireland. Consequently, Dublin give Mayo a bye in the semi-finals.
SEPTEMBER — Pope Francis announces that he will visit Galway in 2018 saying he will use the visit to reveal the new Bishop of Galway. “We’re saving loads in not having one for two years, so we can get whoever gets the job a good car and loads of great sermons and do up the house a bit,” he says...Sensation as Kerry fail to turn up for All-Ireland final v Mayo. All Mayo have to do is throw in and score a point. But they put it wide and there’s nobody to kick it out…MayoforSam18 tee-shirts on sale immediately afterwards.
OCTOBER —Macnas announce plans for another impressive Halloween parade. A spokesperson says it’ll have the usual wolves and things and as usual will scare the shite outta the children watching.
NOVEMBER — The Christmas Market returns with the Bigly Wheel at the top of the Square…Like an ageing rocker, the market stays off the grass this year again… Galway2020 issue a document called “Is that the time already”. We forgot that the big event is just two years away…Cue frantic calls to puppeteers and mime artists.
DECEMBER — Trump tweets that he will ‘blow the arse off Santa Claus if he enters US airspace. Big time loser who has to give toys away for free”... The Tuam-Gort motorway opens months ahead of time. Tuam Chamber of Commerce and Limerick Chamber of Commerce launch a joint Shop Local campaign using the new road called “C’mere I Wantcha Sham.”