2012 — a spaced-out odyssey?
There is no doubt that 2012 will be hard pressed to be half as interesting as 2011, but taking a look into my crystal ball, I can see some fascinating developemnts in the months ahead.
JANUARY - Armed with a new superknee that can get wifi, Sky, and doesn't buzz at airport security, President Higgins announces a demanding world tour. He proves his fitness by doing A Siege of Ennis, ending up with the splits and launching that on Youtube…a light aircraft confused by the new traffic lights at Briarhill mistakes the motorway for the runway and ends up at Tom Hogan Motors…Occupy Galway apply for planning permission to stay in the Square on the basis of housing need and the fact that greed still exists in the world. Permission is granted on condition that they leave the square once greed is officially eliminated.
FEBRUARY - Country grinds to a halt as half the teachers, guards, nurses retire. Knock Marriage Bureaus says its client base has halved overnight. As the vaccum becomes more obvious, crime rates soar, homeworks isn't done and nobody scores in Copperface Jacks for a week…Galway United Supporters Trust get the licence to participate in the First Division while on his world tour, President Higgins convinces the president of Brazil to send 20 of his country's finest young soccer talent to the west in return for Gort being officially becoming Brazilian territory. As a result, Gort are banned from taking part in the Club championship semi-finals. Clarinbridge are reinstated not having trained for seven months.
MARCH - St Patrick’s Day Parade in Sydney and Vancouver is officially the biggest ever...Galway United ST are rewarded for approaching NAMA and asking for sponsorship. The four letters are proudly emblazoned across their kit. Now, not only do its supporters own them, but every club’s supporters...Leinster win the Heineken Cup again and Connacht return to the top table again...
APRIL - Spanish historians discover that Christopher Columbus never stopped in Galway on his way to the new world on the basis that "no dreamer who ever came to Galway left it again."
MAY - China announces that it is buying the euro...as in taking the whole thing over...there goes the German Continental Market for the Square...Having successfuily avoided the Somalian pirates in the Indian Ocean, the Volvo yachts are targetted by pirates off Lorient. Johnny Depp is clearly identifiable in police mugshots...Vanessa Paradis gets a new yacht for her birthday...Joe is delighted he won’t be having be driving her around the place.
JUNE - Ireland lose 4-0 to Croatia but dramatically and inexplicably beat Spain and Italy to progress from their group at Euro 2012...Padraig Conneely becomes Mayor again after enticing all the other councillors into a room where there are biscuits, locking the door, and winning the mayoral vote 1-0...Robbie Keane announces his international retirement and then reveals that he is signing for Shamrock Rovers. “I know it will be a step up from LA Galaxy but it has always been my dream.” Yawn..
JULY - Anthony Cunningham's Galway, made up a the best of the minors and u-21s wins the Leinster Championship with a shock win over Kilkenny. Galway's footballers prior to their Conancht Final against Mayo check out the odds on themselves in Mulhollands just to see if the manager really believes in them. They’re gutted to see themselves at 4/1... Volvo Ocean Race arrives in Galway at 10am. Nobody shows up. The organisers then re-run the finish to come in at 4.30 am. 15,000 throng the docks...Sun shines for two weeks...we love ourselves again...Occupy Galway moves to the docks for the week cos they herad there was some greed there...Best Dressed Woman at the races turns out to be a man...winner of the plate turns out to be a fast cow...
AUGUST- Adrian Devane launches the North Korean version of Babogbab…Several Olympic teams on their way to London decide to use Galway as a training base. The most popular location is Ardrahan where the world's top fencing teams get a masterclass from Cllr Michael Stroke Fahy…Galway City Marathon returns to the city...the traffic management plan is longer than the race...Fianna Fail hold their annual think-in in Neachtains...
SEPTEMBER - TG4's new reality series chronicling nightlife in Abbeyknockmoy hits the screens, entitled Downtown Abbey…Fastest white man in the world Paul Hession wins Olympic gold for Ireland...Katie Taylor is surprisingly knocked out when she accidentally punches herself in her first bout...God says ‘nothing to do with me. I was watching the beach volleyball at the time”
OCTOBER - Galway United ST win the First Division...NAMA makes an approach to Jose Mourinho on the basis that he is Portuguese and might need the money..Government announces that it is banning wintertime...they’ve even taken the lie-in we were due since April.
NOVEMBER - Chinese Intercontinental Market opens in Eyre Square ...Dragon burgers are the big hit...Occupy Galway suddenly disappear one night. Strange, that.
DECEMBER - ...Druid announce that they are to be sponsored by IKEA so from now on, the pig in their plays will be ensconced in a modern Swedish kitchen...
And so to 2012, happy new year everyone.