Digging the dirt on Michael D — next stop for the Men in Black?

As the conspirators spit on their lands and rub them together with glee at the success of the campaign to oust David Norris esq from the presidential race, no doubt they are licking their lips at the prospect of trawling the world to find out the dirt on Michael D. Having failed to besmirch him with the notion that it was his camp that set out to shaft Norris with allegations and letters and incidents that went back ages but which were out-ed now, the focus of the Men in Black is turned westward.

So where do they start:

— The beginning: Michael D’s childhood was impoverished (though not as impoverished as Gay Mitchell who on a clear day could see the towers of Inchicore ). Young MD lived on a farm in Clare for a while, so there must be dirt there to find on him. In those impoverished days, he must have probably killed a donkey and eaten it with his bare hands. He must have laid traps for deer. Did Michael D kill Bambi?

— His Fianna Fail days? He joined Labour after a short while in FF. Why did he stay such a short time in Fianna Fail? Was he sent into Labour as an FF plant and is he really the FF candidate in this election? Hmmm, an avenue to explore for the dirt diggers.

— Indiana University — Michael D spent some time here as a student, so there’s bound to be an FBI file on him that can throw up some useful information. Well known graduates from here include Hoagy Carmichael, renowned violinist Joshua Bell, Robert James Waller, the author of Bridges of Madison County, Sarah Clarke (who played Nina in 24 ) , Olympic swimmer Mark Spitz who won seven golds in the terrorism-afflicted Munich Olympics...and actor Kevin Kline who starred in A Fish Called Wanda and who played a, wait for it, gay teacher in In and Out. So when you add them all up what do you have — jazz, fiddles, smaltz, terrorism and homosexuality. Enough material there to keep bloggers going.

— Michael D's poetry — if you record it, transfer it to vinyl and then play it backwards, the words actually make sense. They contain bomb making instructions, plans to take over the world and satanic ravings.

— He famously called ranting radio shock jock Michael Graham a wanker during a Newstalk interview. Hmm, does this betray an anti-American sentiment (or just an anti-wanker one )?

— His association with Galway United is also set to come under scrutiny. Questions will be asked as to how come a club with no money, no players, no ground, and only a handful of diehard supporters never manage to get relegated, and then if they do, they always get miraculously promoted again for good behaviour or something. With Michael D at the helm, maybe United is a front; a massive human trafficking operation between unscrupulous operators in Galway and Sligo and Inchicore, given the high volume of moment of “players” between these three locations. Hmmm, very dodgy.—

TG4 — At a time when the birds were falling off the trees with the hunger and when the telly used to shut down at midnight with nawhting but a testcard to calm ya down after a rousing rendition of Amhrann na bhFiann at the kitchen table (which always made ya shout 'cmon Galway at the end of it ). Michael D came up with the ludicrous idea of setting up a tv station in a forren language and basing it in the heart of Connemara. At the time, it made no sense, but we now see, that this factory in Baila na Habhann was another mere front, this time to produce gorgeous looking females with long names nobody ever bothered to remember, but with tresses and curves designed to make the average Irish male watch Irish language weather and news. The project was so successful, they repeated it for the ladies and came up with Daithi. Is this project in genetic engineering the skeleton in Michael D's closet. Time will tell, time will tell.



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