Good evening and welcome to an open interview to introduce this evening’ s main event in the Arts Festival — An Evening of Anecdotes with Senator Ronan Mullen. (polite applause from audience of luvvies. )
DV — Senator Mullen. Good evening and welcome home. You are an unique Galway politician in that we don’t see you at funerals or at water scheme meetings. A kind of phantom local politico. You are in the news this week because to get to the point, you shot your mouth off on a radio programme.
RM — Well, that is not the case, I was merely pointing out that while some others around me were exploiting the expenses scandal, that there was a need for me to come across not only as a good boy, but as a really good boy by showing just how bad I could have been if I were a bad boy which I’m not, being a good boy.
DV — So you were just letting us know that temptation had been placed in your path? This happened in the Dail bar? You were just in the door a wet week. You were sat there, sucking a MiWadi and this seasoned senator/TD told you this. Did he tell you anything else?
RM — Well, it doesn’t help that I have the secret of perpetual youth. No matter how I try, I still manage to look only 19, so everyone thinks I’m an intern.
DV — Right, go on.
RM — So he said “Pssst, new boy. I can show you the good life.” Told me that if I filled in the exs form the way he suggested, I’d have the price of a house.”
DV — Were you tempted?
RM — It all flashed before my eyes. I mean, I didn’t know the price of a house or indeed of milk or a loaf of bread, and of course at that time I did not realise the furore that was going to be caused. I was only concerned with looking whiter than white, you see. So I turned to him and said “Bad man, go away”, and I hopped down off my stool and skipped out of the bar.
DV — Fair play to ya. Now given that you believe in all this Adam and Eve mullarkey, if you had been Adam and the snake gave you the apple, you would have turned it down and reported the snake to God.
RM — Exactly, but I prefer to picture myself as a sort of Linda Tripp, you know the one Monica Lewinsky confided in, but instead of blurting out all, I prefer to keep a bit back. Keeps me in demand and somewhat mystical.
DV — This isn’t the first time that you’ve been given incriminating information, is it? There is the Santa Claus question, Senator Mullen. You claim to have information on that
RM — Oh yes, I have critical information about the said Mr Claus. In fact, without giving anything away to young readers, my claims about Mr Claus would be existentialist, if you get my drift. I was told once by someone very close that the said Mr Claus may have existentialist issues, that he is existentially challenged...
DV — Really. We get what you’re saying. Would you be prepared to say who gave you this information, Senator?
RM — Well, I was wearing pyjamas at the time and was about twelve, having received just slippers for Chistmas. So I’d be loath to implicate that person. It was a casual comment made to me in a casual setting and I don't know what the motivations were.
DV — Senator, do you think this latest matter will affect your relationship with other people? Will people be reluctant to confide in you, given your semi-revelations? Like for example, Senator, see that lady over there now, if I was to say “Jaysus Ro, look at the arse on yer wan,” as I am known to do with great frequency, would I be able to sleep safely knowing that you would not pass on my comments to someone else and name me?
RM — Well, let me see, actually she has a rare rear alright, but where was I? I am confident that I would be able to secure your anonymity, but it would be asking a lot of me not to repeat your sexist comment in the polite Dublin society into which I am now engrained, just to illustrate the latent immorality that exists in the media and especially the muck savage media here out west.”
DV — That’s a no then.
RM — No, let me finish. That’s not what I was saying. Let me finish.
DV — Do you ever think that you will reveal the name of the politician who advised you to fiddle the expenses?
RM — No, it will stay with me ‘til the day I meet the Lord. Again.
Despite this, at the end of the interview, we wrestled Senator Mullen to the ground and tickled him until, giggling furiously, he told us the name of the politician, what the third Secret of Fatima is, and also gave me the twist in The Sixth Sense. He also gave me the date of The Second Coming, but I’m keeping that for the lead for next week.