So whose line is it anyway?

Great one liners from comedians coming to the Vodafone Comedy Carnival

Al Porter.

Al Porter.

IF LAUGHTER is the best medicine, then Galway is set for a serious LOL overdose, with Dara O Briain, Tommy Tiernan, John Richardson, Al Porter, and Reginald D Hunter, among the stand-up superstars set to perform at this year’s Vodafone Comedy Carnival.

With 75 shows featuring more than 100 acts, the festival promises to be a seven-day orgy of laughter, lampooning, and lunacy. Here is just a small taste of what kind of material to expect from the cream of Irish and international stand-ups.

“It must be pretty surreal, being Prince Harry and William on a stag night. Just you and your mates stuffing pictures of your gran into a lap dancer’s bra” – Kevin Bridges

“If U2 hadn’t gone to America, they’d be supporting Aslan at the Red Cow Inn… and well they f***n’ know it!” – Tommy Tiernan

“Brexit is a terrible name. Sounds like cereal you eat when you are constipated” – Tiff Stevenson

“Father’s Day in my estate is a bit like Halloween – kids go door-to-door” – Al Porter

“A lot of people have lucky pants. I don’t consider anything that’s touched my penis to be that lucky” – Jon Richardson

“Why is the winner of the Miss Universe contest always from Earth?” – Rich Hall

“A class system is something you use to discriminate against someone who looks like you” – Reginald D Hunter

“I like Jesus, but he loves me, so it’s awkward” – Tom Stade

“Two aerials on a roof fell in love and got married. The wedding wasn’t great but the reception was fantastic” – Jimeoin

“I am tired of hearing discrimination against Americans. Everybody hates Americans until they need to watch a good film, listen to some decent hip hop, or go to war. What do you get when you add sunshine and personal space to a Brit? An American. Add health care and education and you get a Canadian” – Dana Alexander

“Some people hear my voice and just assume I’m thick. I told a guy my name over the phone today and I swear to God he asked if I could spell it” – Jarlath Regan

“Drug addicts should have their own Olympics. It’s perfect. They’re already in tracksuits” – David McSavage

“My first record was a criminal one” – Katherine Lynch

“I like the Ten Commandments, but I have a problem with the ninth. It should be, ‘Thou shalt not covet thy neighbour’s ox – except in Scrabble’” – David O’Doherty

“A ‘Jobs-first Brexit’ is like a ‘Health-first Ebola outbreak’” – Eleanor Tiernan

“Yanks have a cocktail called an ‘Irish car bomb’, but if you stuck two flakes in an ice cream cone and called it a 9/11 they’d get offended” – Rubberbandits

“Old ladies get lighter and lighter until they have to carry two heavy bags to keep them from floating away” – Joe Rooney

“Donald Trump: Making America Great again. Mary Berry: Making Britain cake again. Cork: Making Ireland like, amazing, like. In all fairness" – Barry Murphy

“I joined a dating agency and went out on a load of dates that didn’t work out. And I went back to the woman who ran the agency and said, ‘Have you not got somebody on your books who doesn’t care about how I look or what job I have and has a nice big pair of boobs?’ And she checked on her computer and said, ‘Actually, we have one – but, unfortunately, it’s you’” – Karl Spain

Vodafone Comedy Carnival Galway runs from Tuesday October 24 to Monday October 30. Tickets are on sale via www.vodafonecomedycarnival.com and OMG@Zhivago, Shop Street.

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