IF LAUGHTER is the best medicine, then Galway is set for a serious LOL overdose, with Dara O Briain, Tommy Tiernan, John Richardson, Al Porter, and Reginald D Hunter, among the stand-up superstars set to perform at this year’s Vodafone Comedy Carnival.
With 75 shows featuring more than 100 acts, the festival promises to be a seven-day orgy of laughter, lampooning, and lunacy. Here is just a small taste of what kind of material to expect from the cream of Irish and international stand-ups.
“It must be pretty surreal, being Prince Harry and William on a stag night. Just you and your mates stuffing pictures of your gran into a lap dancer’s bra” – Kevin Bridges
“If U2 hadn’t gone to America, they’d be supporting Aslan at the Red Cow Inn… and well they f***n’ know it!” – Tommy Tiernan
“Brexit is a terrible name. Sounds like cereal you eat when you are constipated” – Tiff Stevenson
“Father’s Day in my estate is a bit like Halloween – kids go door-to-door” – Al Porter
“A lot of people have lucky pants. I don’t consider anything that’s touched my penis to be that lucky” – Jon Richardson
“Why is the winner of the Miss Universe contest always from Earth?” – Rich Hall
“A class system is something you use to discriminate against someone who looks like you” – Reginald D Hunter
“I like Jesus, but he loves me, so it’s awkward” – Tom Stade
“Two aerials on a roof fell in love and got married. The wedding wasn’t great but the reception was fantastic” – Jimeoin
“I am tired of hearing discrimination against Americans. Everybody hates Americans until they need to watch a good film, listen to some decent hip hop, or go to war. What do you get when you add sunshine and personal space to a Brit? An American. Add health care and education and you get a Canadian” – Dana Alexander
“Some people hear my voice and just assume I’m thick. I told a guy my name over the phone today and I swear to God he asked if I could spell it” – Jarlath Regan
“Drug addicts should have their own Olympics. It’s perfect. They’re already in tracksuits” – David McSavage
“My first record was a criminal one” – Katherine Lynch
“I like the Ten Commandments, but I have a problem with the ninth. It should be, ‘Thou shalt not covet thy neighbour’s ox – except in Scrabble’” – David O’Doherty
“A ‘Jobs-first Brexit’ is like a ‘Health-first Ebola outbreak’” – Eleanor Tiernan
“Yanks have a cocktail called an ‘Irish car bomb’, but if you stuck two flakes in an ice cream cone and called it a 9/11 they’d get offended” – Rubberbandits
“Old ladies get lighter and lighter until they have to carry two heavy bags to keep them from floating away” – Joe Rooney
“Donald Trump: Making America Great again. Mary Berry: Making Britain cake again. Cork: Making Ireland like, amazing, like. In all fairness" – Barry Murphy
“I joined a dating agency and went out on a load of dates that didn’t work out. And I went back to the woman who ran the agency and said, ‘Have you not got somebody on your books who doesn’t care about how I look or what job I have and has a nice big pair of boobs?’ And she checked on her computer and said, ‘Actually, we have one – but, unfortunately, it’s you’” – Karl Spain
Vodafone Comedy Carnival Galway runs from Tuesday October 24 to Monday October 30. Tickets are on sale via www.vodafonecomedycarnival.com and OMG@Zhivago, Shop Street.