Paddy wants the right to drive when drunk, so he does

Paddy likes to drive when drunk, so he does.

No, that’s not fair now, Hang on, That’s a swapin’ statement which I can’t lave uncontradicted. No, I don’t want to drive when drunk. It’s just that I don’t want to be told by someone in authority that I can’t drive home after having wan pint, when I knows meself that I can drive home grand after 15.

So, Paddy likes to drive when drunk, so he does.

No, hang on, I didn’t mean that I want to drive home with 15, I’m just saying I know I can and that this new plan by the Government to impose a wan drink, no drive rule is ridiculous so, it is. It’s an attack on what we are, an attack on the very heart of Irish society. And it’s ahm, a whatchmacallit, an attack on rural Ireland and on the way we live. And the way we do things.

The way ye do things?

Yeah, the way we do things down here. Tis different to Dublin 4 with your Louis trains and your DART trains and taxis and the likes. Here in rural Ireland we have rights too ya know. It’s almost a constitutional right, like the Yanks have the right to bear arms. Well, we have a sort of right to be armed with beers. It’s been the right of the poor lonely man to drive to his pub every night, have the two pints and then drive home. Now, this makes him a criminal.

But Paddy, research has shown that you can’t drive capably with any drink on ya.

Arragh, research me arse. That’s only book learning for fancy dans trying to justify their jobs by saying that it’s the drunk drivers of this country that’s killing the people on the roads. Well, we, I mean, they won’t stand for that. And we can thank the fine backbenchers of the Government for standing up for our rights.

Ah, but Paddy, if they were the brightest tools in the box, they wouldn’t be backbenchers, would they?

Lishen here, we’ve given in to ye types afore, when they got the smoking kicked out of the pubs and closed about 14 million pubs down, at least. So ye got yer pound of flesh then, but not anymore.

So why are you opposed to lowering the drink driving limit then?

Think of the poor priest? And the doctor. The doctor would probably be having a glasheen of fine wine with his dinner. And the priesteen might be taking a slurp of wine at the altar. Now, say they were then called out in the dark of night, they would be over the limit. See. There ya have it. Fine upstanding members of society targetted.

But Paddy, if you weren’t drinking 15 pints and then driving home, the chances of them being called out at night would be all the lower?

Ah now, that’s a low wan, that’s not fair. There’s no talkin to ya.

Are you a publican, Paddy?

What if I am, what if I am? What difference does that make?

Your honour, that concludes the case for the defence. No more questions.

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