Wanna go to a party at my place?

They do say that opportunity never knocks twice and now that a vacuum has been created in Irish politics, I feel I am ideally placed to take full advantage. Line up, line up, you’re just in time for the launch of my new political party. It will change the mouldiness of civil war politics. It will make a positive contribution to Irish politics. It will be called Clann na Nobs (as in the gaeilge for the family of the no-bullshitters )

As you can understand, I am not at liberty to discuss the inner workings of my new party until I have discussed this with my colleagues and have had true and frank discussions with them when we will sit down, put all our options (and clichés ) on the table and formulate a policy with which we can move forward as a truly unified party with the goal of winning at least 35 seats in next year’s yokel elections.

In line with our no waffle policy, we will be having our party think-tank down at the new superloo at the corner of Eyre Square (no grandiose hotels and backslapping for us ) at the end of this month when we will be finalising our list of candidates. Already I have four sheepdogs who I am very confident are capable of winning seats on Galway City Council and there are several more party members (who have plastic red noses and work for Fossett’s Circus ) who are more than qualified to become members of that august body.

The Clann na Nobs philosophy will be simple — our line will be “ we will be your voice squad.”

Now, I’m sure the Shinners and the Finners will be trying to do us down by citing our lack of experience and bringing up that unfortunate incident we had with the taxman a few years back, but that will not defeat us. And anyway, the handbrake did go in his car that night.

Declan Ganley managed to make his party Libert’s Ass top of the heap a few months back and his name is just three letters different to mine (and my hairstyle is quickly morphing into his ), so there is no reason why Clann na Nobs should fail.

So what have we to do if we are to avoid the fate of the PDs? Here are a few tips.

(1 ) Never say you’ll do your best for a rapist. Remember, the rapist vote is a no-no for any party. Let them rot in jail, the bastards.

(2 ) Don’t annoy the guards — don’t be threatening to throw guards in jail for talking to the media. You never know when ya need one. It’s hard enough for the media to get information from the guards without the Justice Minister scaring them as well.

(3 ) Don’t slam the door or drive off on Jim Fahy. He’ll get ya again too. When you’re staggering out of the outhouse at four in the morning with your trousers round yer ankles, he’ll pop out with a camera crew, stick a furry mike in your face and ask ya about the dodgy money in your account.

(4 ) Always follow the example of Chelsea. Never appoint an Avram Grant-type leader to follow a Mourinho as they are unable to handle the bigger names in the team. The Boss may not always be right but he’s always the boss.

(5 ) Don’t dither. If you’re going to go, then go. And shut the door after ya. The Boy Who Cried Wolf wrote to the Cartoon Commission to complain that the PDs were giving him a bad name. If MickeyMac had gone when he threatened to during the election, then the Parliamentary Party meeting held this week might not have been smaller than a five-aside team.

And am I appealing to the PD councillors to come over and join our party? What do you think? Sure haven’t I the boys from Fossetts. I’m sorted.

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